Update (compulsive weighing, striving to be a ‘yummy mummy’ and small losses)

This has been a very hectic time for me.  After a trip home last week doing a whistlestop tour of family and friends, it has been back to work for me this week.  It is always a tricky time, as after 6 weeks out of the routine it takes a while to settle back into it.  This time it has been exacerbated by my son starting in reception class, which has been quite a milestone!  Seeing him in his uniform made me realise that I have absolutely no excuse now for the ‘baby weight’.  I was 12st 9lbs when I found out I was pregnant, so that is a bit of a goal for me.  It is still well over the weight I should be, but is a goal nonetheless.  The thought of doing the school run and being mixed in with all the other Mummy types put the fear of God into me.  I am overweight, not very confident in how I look, and find it hard to be brave and just ‘put myself out there’ and talk to other people.  On Monday, I went and bought new clothes (just for the record, a size 18 top from Fat Face which was actually a bit too big, a size 18 dress from New Look which fits nicely and size 16 leggings and cardi from New Look).  I wanted to look smart on the school run, and not have the other Mums, who in my mind were going to be sultry, glamourpuss types looking down at me in my slightly grubby, fadded clothes.  Thursday was the first day of schools, and I wore my new purchases.  Looking at the other Mums in the playground, I realised I was very much ‘in the middle’ in terms of my clothes. Some were wearing more make up than me (and I wear a fair amount) with perfectly ironed, smart clothes and others were there in jeans and a fleece, hair in a ponytail.  With regard to my weight and size, I would say I am at the top end of the middle.  This is something else I do, assess my place within a group in terms of size.  I think this started when I was the fattest in my class at school and became more apparent when I shared a house at University.  I remember one time three of us out of our house of four bought the same pair of trousers and a comment was made about how mine were the larger pair.  The comments have stuck, and I am now painfully aware of my size.

After talking to some girl friends online, I realised that I am weighing myself too much. I know I do this, and I always have, but never really realised how bad it had got.  I weigh myself every time I go to the toilet, just because I am interested in the fluctuations in my weight and so I can try and have some control over it. This isn’t healthy, and I know that, but it is a problem that I have always had, so much so that it becomes second nature to me now.  I have made a conscious effort to weigh myself just once a day now, in the morning.  It has actually made me feel really tense, but know that it is a much better way to be for me.  Hopefully, in time, I will be able to cut back again to alternate days.

The other thing I have been considering is small losses.  I weighed myself on Friday and found I am 13st 6.75lbs.  This is 0.75lbs less than I was a fortnight ago.  It doesn’t sound like a lot.  It feels like a drop in the ocean compared to where I want to get.  But it is a small step on my journey, some weeks I may take a giant stride forwards, others a sideways hop.  There may be weeks where I fall backwards.  But I need to get up again and realise this is going to be something I need to maintain for life.  If it takes a bit longer to get to my goal, so what?  Does it really matter?  My most successful weight loss was one where I lost small amounts of weight on a regular basis.  I didn’t feel disappointed if my loss was small and my mindset was such that I felt happy to be slimmer than I once was.  This is where I am striving to be again.

I have 7 weeks until I become a Godmother, and that was my first date I had a goal for.  I would love to be able to reach my target of 13st by then.  It is definitely possible if I am sensible and make healthy choices.  Onwards and upwards!

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